Location: my parent's bathroom. I finish showering and notice my thighs are touching each other.
Mood: bummed out. Extremely.
All my life I considered myself a chubby kid. I remember asking my mom once, how come my shorts ride up my legs when I wear them? Her answer was, to put it mildly, my chubby thighs.
I avoided wearing shorts all of my childhood for this reason.
When I was 15 years old, we moved to Singapore, and after living there for 6 months and starting to get used to it, I was told we're moving back.
I was devastated, felt like I was being tossed around from place to place and had no control over my life.
So, naturally, I developed an eating disorder as way to try and cope with the lack of control.
I nearly stopped eating altogether, lost weight in an alarming rate, and finally had the courage to wear shorts. This was new and amazing for me! Not only that, when I walked, my thighs didn't touch each other or chafe. What? SCORE!
I felt I was part of the elite "thigh gap" club.
A few months later, we were back home in Israel. I slowly started eating again (eating = binging on chocolate, my body was craving everything I deprived it from) and I of course gained all the weight back, and then some.
I remember that moment I discovered I was no longer in the thigh gap club, thinking to myself - "this is obviously how my body is built. Why did I torture myself trying to fight it?"
Fast forward 13 years later, I make a living from my thighs.
However, the road to self-acceptance wasn't easy.
Waking up every morning, looking at the mirror, and focusing on what you LOVE in your body instead of what you don't, doesn't come easy. It's a habit you need to form. It's a muscle you have to train.
Very few people are born with amazing self confidence and healthy body image, so most of us have to work very hard on focusing on the positives and letting go of the negatives.
Last night I received a message that I'd like to share from a pole dancer who doesn't know me personally, saying things that pretty much sum up my journey in the past decade:
"Hi, I just wanted to write and let you know what even tho we don't really know each other, everything you write, publish and exude really inspires me. I'm a curvy girl and always felt ashamed of it, but I don't know- something about what you write makes me say "fuck it", and be proud of my body and what it can do, instead of worrying about weighing 50kg! Keep doing what you're doing, you're awesome!"
Thanks for reading, wishing you a happy week loving the body you have, not the body you think you need to have.